- Mood:
Rejected - Listening to: The Reason - Hoobastank
- Reading: Huckleberry Finn
- Watching: Degrassi
- Playing: Nurse
- Eating: Your penis
- Drinking: Your penis...juice.
10 things you may not know about me.
1. I love to act. Granted I didnt know I could until recently, but now that I know its absolutely amazing. Ive met so many new people from a job I had in a haunted house. Yes that may sound a little weird but to me it was just acting, my motive was to scare the shit out of people
and I could! It was a wonderful feeling getting praised by people who didnt know a single thing about me. The fact that they werent pretending to be nice, why would they they didnt know who I was! They told me what a good job I was doing solely because I was actually good at it! I didnt think I could act, I thought Id be scared of doing such a thing in front of people. But when I act I dont have to be myself. I can be anyone I want, I can just lose myself in that character and forget everything bad that happened that day. Its an escape for me. Where I dont have to be the pitiful me that mopes around. I can be
anyone.
2. I adore animals, I love taking care of them and loving them like theyre my own kids. I look at my cats sleeping on my bed and think to myself. Wow how do they have a little heart beating inside there? I wonder how their mind works, if they understand me or not. And then I hug them, because theyre just so beautiful to me. The fact that theyre even alive makes me smile. They think on their own act on their own and feel on their own. Theyre not just some play toy for your amusement and then forget about when they died. Theyre living breathing creatures just wanting someone to love them. And I do <3
3. When Im really mad at you, I get really logical on your ass. Im not one of those YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD ASSCLOWN people. Ill say that for fun but not when Im pod. Only one person has seen this side of me, and theyve told me I sound like Im talking down on them. Well thats how I am. I think things out in my head and say things that will bite you in the ass. Ill have this real dry sort of sarcasm and use short monotone sentences. Ill almost make you feel stupid about what you say. I dont even like myself when Im like that, so I wouldnt recommend it.
4. Im very unsure about everything. I dont know why Im alive why I havent killed myself yet. What Im doing. How Im going to survive. I just dont know. Nothing is sure for me, and thats really really bad. Because the way my personality is, I need some structure and reassurance in my life. Im crumbling bit by bit because of this but theres nothing I can do about that.
5. Im really selfish. Now most of you who take the time to read this, might argue with me but save it. Im selfish okay? Every human being is, Im no exception. I whine and complain and always make things about me. Im dramatic and I exaggerate things for a little attention. Its sad really. I always claim how I want to help others and thats what makes me happy. But if thats really true when people are hurting why do I always complain about what was wrong with MY day, when someone else is hurting just as bad or worse then me? Especially when I already complain about myself SO much? Because Im selfish, end of story.
6. I DESPISE sharing my emotions. I think thats the thing I hate most. I hate letting people in. Letting them see the real me. Nothing could annoy me more then when people ask me Whats wrong Now some of you may want to leave because Im about to get nasty. Yes I hate it when people ask whats wrong. If I wanted you to know dont you think Id tell you? If I wanted you to pester and annoy me until I spoke dont you think Id ask? When I say nothing it means Leave me alone its none of your business okay? I dont like sharing my feelings! I dont like opening up and letting people see how vulnerable I am! I like to bottle things up because no one has to see what lies beneath my exterior. I dont care if its unhealthy its my decision. You want to help? You think its your job to make me happy? Well its not get over it alright? I dont need your help nor do I want it.
7. I hate emotions in general. I hate that they make me feel weak. I hate that they revert me to tears over little stupid things. That they make me feel like I want to die because I had a bad day. Its not normal. I dont understand how people just open themselves up with ease. I like keeping things to myself. Ill smile when Im sad because I hate to have people worry but a lot of it is that I hate to share my emotions. Theyre too overwhelming too annoying.
8. Im chronically depressed. Yup, have been for years. I often have massive ups and downs. Crying over little things. Ill cry myself to sleep some nights. Choke on my breath because theyre so violent. Have panic attacks now and then. Get extremely paranoid and manifest situations that arent really there.
9. I also have symptoms of Borderline personality disorder.
Desperately trying to avoid situations that could lead to abandonment by any means necessary. Like not talking, not letting people in, not trusting. Or even go so far as to kill myself as long as I dont get abandoned first.
Unstable self image. Sometimes I feel okay with myself. Even like certain features about me. But most of the time its pure loathing for every piece of my body. Im disgusted with it and sometimes I just want to rip it apart so I dont feel ugly anymore.
Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others. With my boyfriend its mostly loving. But sometimes he does things that really upset me, he knows what they are. Its mostly my friends who im on and off about though. I love them to pieces but augh! One of them just she is like me she never lets people in but shes open about it? Shell say whatever allll the time as if that makes us worry less. Shell be completely robotic when shes really hurting. If she could at least say she didnt want to talk about it thatd be okay but she always just says No its whatever. Shes really close to me I just wish shed open up more. I wouldnt go so far as to say I hate her but sometimes
.
Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two. People who know me know this is true. My boyfriend blames it on me being a girl ;D But I dont think so. I do have major mood swings that I cant control and its upsetting because I hate putting everyone throught that. There could be nothing wrong and Ill be hating everything and everyone that moves! And yes it does last usually only a couple hours but if things keep going wrong itll last a couple days.
Have long-term feelings of emptiness. Just about everyday I feel like this at some point. Like why am I here? Do I have a purpose? Why am I so hopeless? Why cant I do anything? Why dont I feel loved when I know I am? Whats wrong with me? Just a few of the daily questions I ask myself. I often just feel like somethings missing inside.\
Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging Like binge eating. Which is what I used to do. Yup thats the first step into Bulimia my dear children! And I did used to do it.
Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself. Ive tried to kill myself on multiple occasions. Always been to scared to do it, but Ive tried. And I think about it a lot. The thoughts come and go. And I used to be a cutter. Kind of still am. Trying to stop (havent done it in quite a few months.)
Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality. Oh dear God yes. Im always suspicious about everything and everyone. Usually tying back to my fear of abandonment. Im completely paranoid and manifest situations that dont happen with little reason causing it.
10. I love my boyfriend but Im unsure if he truly loves me. Im unsure if anyone truly loves me but, his matters the most. Im always second guessing him, because Im afraid of being hurt. Im always coming up with ideas that hes cheating or that he doesnt really love me. I get so wrapped up in the fact that Im worthless and that hed cheat on me because he can do better, even though he insists that he couldnt because Im the best. But I dont know how to believe that. I cant even love myself how can I expect someone else to? I dont see whats so great about me. Whats so alluring that someone would want to stay for so long. It just doesnt click for me. His ex is so much better then me and I believe she still loves him. So I find it impossible that hed even want to try and stay with me with someone like her there for him. And it seems they share a bond that I cant with him. And its alright. Im not saying he loves her. Im merely saying I dont know if he loves me. Its just too hard to comprehend.
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"The closer you get to light,
the greater your shadow becomes."
My "Remember" (NaruHina) doujinshi : [link]
My and ~Khazaa "EVE" manga : [link]
--
Co admin to ~Xennad-FC
~kuroganexfai
Music is love, love is life, life is colors, colors is seeing, seeing is living.
Thank you so much for the
Im so sorry I reply you so late
Greez
Miya
--
My Complete Galery
Miya's Subdomain (c) ~WingMcCallister
--
Co admin to ~Xennad-FC
~kuroganexfai
Music is love, love is life, life is colors, colors is seeing, seeing is living.
--
My Complete Galery
Miya's Subdomain (c) ~WingMcCallister
--
Co admin to ~Xennad-FC
~kuroganexfai
Music is love, love is life, life is colors, colors is seeing, seeing is living.
--
My Complete Galery
Miya's Subdomain (c) ~WingMcCallister
your
--
~
--
Co admin to ~Xennad-FC
~kuroganexfai
Music is love, love is life, life is colors, colors is seeing, seeing is living.
enjoyyy !
[link]
--
i'll give you today, but it's not mine yet.
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