10 things you may not know about me.

1. I love to act. Granted I didn’t know I could until recently, but now that I know it’s absolutely amazing. I’ve met so many new people from a job I had in a haunted house. Yes that may sound a little weird but to me it was just acting, my motive was to scare the shit out of people…and I could! It was a wonderful feeling getting praised by people who didn’t know a single thing about me. The fact that they weren’t pretending to be nice, why would they they didn’t know who I was! They told me what a good job I was doing solely because I was actually good at it! I didn’t think I could act, I thought I’d be scared of doing such a thing in front of people. But when I act I don’t have to be myself. I can be anyone I want, I can just lose myself in that character and forget everything bad that happened that day. It’s an escape for me. Where I don’t have to be the pitiful me that mopes around. I can be…anyone.

2. I adore animals, I love taking care of them and loving them like they’re my own kids. I look at my cats sleeping on my bed and think to myself. “Wow how do they have a little heart beating inside there?” I wonder how their mind works, if they understand me or not. And then I hug them, because they’re just so beautiful to me. The fact that they’re even alive makes me smile. They think on their own act on their own and feel on their own. They’re not just some play toy for your amusement and then forget about when they died. They’re living breathing creatures just wanting someone to love them. And I do <3

3. When I’m really mad at you, I get really logical on your ass. I’m not one of those “YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD ASSCLOWN” people. I’ll say that for fun but not when I’m po’d. Only one person has seen this side of me, and they’ve told me I sound like I’m talking down on them. Well that’s how I am. I think things out in my head and say things that will bite you in the ass. I’ll have this real dry sort of sarcasm and use short monotone sentences. I’ll almost make you feel stupid about what you say. I don’t even like myself when I’m like that, so I wouldn’t recommend it.

4. I’m very unsure about everything. I don’t know why I’m alive why I haven’t killed myself yet. What I’m doing. How I’m going to survive. I just don’t know. Nothing is sure for me, and that’s really really bad. Because the way my personality is, I need some structure and reassurance in my life. I’m crumbling bit by bit because of this but there’s nothing I can do about that.

5. I’m really selfish. Now most of you who take the time to read this, might argue with me but save it. I’m selfish okay? Every human being is, I’m no exception. I whine and complain and always make things about me. I’m dramatic and I exaggerate things for a little attention. It’s sad really. I always claim how I want to help others and that’s what makes me happy. But if that’s really true when people are hurting why do I always complain about what was wrong with MY day, when someone else is hurting just as bad or worse then me? Especially when I already complain about myself SO much? Because I’m selfish, end of story.

6. I DESPISE sharing my emotions. I think that’s the thing I hate most. I hate letting people in. Letting them see the real me. Nothing could annoy me more then when people ask me “What’s wrong” Now some of you may want to leave because I’m about to get nasty. Yes I hate it when people ask what’s wrong. If I wanted you to know don’t you think I’d tell you? If I wanted you to pester and annoy me until I spoke don’t you think I’d ask? When I say nothing it means “Leave me alone it’s none of your business” okay? I don’t like sharing my feelings! I don’t like opening up and letting people see how vulnerable I am! I like to bottle things up because no one has to see what lies beneath my exterior. I don’t care if it’s unhealthy it’s my decision. You want to help? You think it’s your job to make me happy? Well it’s not get over it alright? I don’t need your help nor do I want it.

7. I hate emotions in general. I hate that they make me feel weak. I hate that they revert me to tears over little stupid things. That they make me feel like I want to die because I had a bad day. It’s not normal. I don’t understand how people just open themselves up with ease. I like keeping things to myself. I’ll smile when I’m sad because I hate to have people worry but a lot of it is that I hate to share my emotions. They’re too overwhelming too annoying.

8. I’m chronically depressed. Yup, have been for years. I often have massive ups and downs. Crying over little things. I’ll cry myself to sleep some nights. Choke on my breath because they’re so violent. Have panic attacks now and then. Get extremely paranoid and manifest situations that aren’t really there.

9. I also have symptoms of Borderline personality disorder.
Desperately trying to avoid situations that could lead to abandonment by any means necessary. Like not talking, not letting people in, not trusting. Or even go so far as to kill myself as long as I don’t get abandoned first.

Unstable self image. Sometimes I feel okay with myself. Even like certain features about me. But most of the time it’s pure loathing for every piece of my body. I’m disgusted with it and sometimes I just want to rip it apart so I don’t feel ugly anymore.

Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others. With my boyfriend it’s mostly loving. But sometimes he does things that really upset me, he knows what they are. It’s mostly my friends who im on and off about though. I love them to pieces but augh! One of them just she is like me she never lets people in but shes open about it? She’ll say whatever allll the time as if that makes us worry less. She’ll be completely robotic when shes really hurting. If she could at least say she didn’t want to talk about it that’d be okay but she always just says “No it’s whatever.” She’s really close to me I just wish she’d open up more. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate her but sometimes….

Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two. People who know me know this is true. My boyfriend blames it on me being a girl ;D But I don’t think so. I do have major mood swings that I can’t control and it’s upsetting because I hate putting everyone throught that. There could be nothing wrong and I’ll be hating everything and everyone that moves! And yes it does last usually only a couple hours but if things keep going wrong it’ll last a couple days.

Have long-term feelings of emptiness. Just about everyday I feel like this at some point. Like why am I here? Do I have a purpose? Why am I so hopeless? Why can’t I do anything? Why don’t I feel loved when I know I am? What’s wrong with me? Just a few of the daily questions I ask myself. I often just feel like somethings missing inside.\

Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging Like binge eating. Which is what I used to do. Yup that’s the first step into Bulimia my dear children! And I did used to do it.

Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself. I’ve tried to kill myself on multiple occasions. Always been to scared to do it, but I’ve tried. And I think about it a lot. The thoughts come and go. And I used to be a cutter. Kind of still am. Trying to stop (haven’t done it in quite a few months.)

Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality. Oh dear God yes. I’m always suspicious about everything and everyone. Usually tying back to my fear of abandonment. I’m completely paranoid and manifest situations that don’t happen with little reason causing it.

10. I love my boyfriend but I’m unsure if he truly loves me. I’m unsure if anyone truly loves me but, his matters the most. I’m always second guessing him, because I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m always coming up with ideas that he’s cheating or that he doesn’t really love me. I get so wrapped up in the fact that I’m worthless and that he’d cheat on me because he can do better, even though he insists that he couldn’t because I’m the best. But I don’t know how to believe that. I can’t even love myself how can I expect someone else to? I don’t see what’s so great about me. What’s so alluring that someone would want to stay for so long. It just doesn’t click for me. His ex is so much better then me and I believe she still loves him. So I find it impossible that he’d even want to try and stay with me with someone like her there for him. And it seems they share a bond that I can’t with him. And it’s alright. I’m not saying he loves her. I’m merely saying I don’t know if he loves me. It’s just too hard to comprehend.